Ok, stop. Everyone stop. Enough. Now level with me here, are you all in on this? Come on. You can tell me. Am I the only one who is not in on the giant joke that is R.Kelly? ‘Cause I feel like I am. I am really starting to feel like the whole world is suppressing laughter, while I continue to try and understand how R.Kelly is being taken seriously. At all. Ever. By anyone.

This morning, on the way to work, I nearly drove my car into a bridge abutment when I hear that R.Kelly was up for “the inaugural Stevie Wonder Award for achievement in songwriting”. Now it is important to note here that I don’t even pass any bridge abutments on the way to work. I would have had to go find one. THAT’S how crazed I was.

This CANNOT be for real. Look, I mean even if the guy gets a Grammy at this point for ANYTHING, I think that is a bit surprising. But ACHIEVEMENT IN SONGWRITING? Have you SEEN Trapped In The Closet? It is beyond absurd. I can’t even properly describe it, because to describe something, you need to be able to compare it to something. You need a point of reference that everyone can understand. Trapped In The Closet stands alone. In so many ways. It is FAR worse than William Shatner singing Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, but at least Shatner was at least kidding (he was, right?). R.Kelly should be forced to have his larynx removed, instead we are giving him life time achievement awards?

Kelly is also the first recipient of the Stevie Wonder award for outstanding career achievements in song writing. Wonder will present the honor at a March 4 ceremony.

Poor Stevie. The guy is blind, not deaf for christ sakes.

I mean what else does this guy need to do in order to just be banished away for ever? So far, he has:

Married Aliyah when she was 15
Had sex with another underage girl on tape
Peed on her
Created the theme song for Space Jam
Was indicted for possession of child pornography
Made Trapped In The Closet

ENOUGH. STOP IT.

Somehow, not only do we as a society continue to take this guy seriously, but we give him achievement awards. Please tell me you are all in on this. The nearest bridge abutment is a good 2 miles out of my way. But I will so do it.

UPDATE: I can’t make this stuff up. It’s an R.Kelly REMIX of the national fucking anthem.